Change is hard. But what’s harder than changing on the inside is sticking to your truth and implementing that on your outside world. 75 hard changed a lot for me, one being my deeper dive into the internal work due to all the self help books I read. One that really started to shift the world for me was Dr. Leperas workbook/book How To Meet Yourself. The universe and I have a pretty comical relationship. It knows my humor and it knows how I see things that are ironically placed all together (aka it knows how to make me realize the lesson it wants me to learn). As a former recovering anxious attachment style, I’ve been plagued by avoidant relationships. This doesn’t just hit home in romantic relationships, it hits home in every relationship in my life. With some family, getting them to say I love you when getting off the phone is like pulling teeth. I can FEEL how uncomfortable that form of vulnerability and affection makes them feel, even through the phone. I’ve had friends who are besties for life one day and pulling away as if I don’t exist the next (a trait I’ve never personally been good at). Then within relationship I’ve had partners who, looking back, always always ALWAYS put themselves first. Which I admired because my number uno priority had always been them. Even if that meant ending up with 13$ in my account trying to help them make their dreams come true. I’m not saying that’s right of me, or that it’s something I resent (maybe a little), because at the time things like that meant everything to me. The deeper I dove into therapy and the deeper I got into patterns, I was faced with this reality ALL around me. I had a severe anxious attachment style, paired with a deep rooted people pleasing bone. Looking back I can just see it all over. From being loved on so hard, followed by when the relationship got deeper and closer being told “I’m a cat. You have to let me come to you. You’re being too affectionate.”…only to be followed moments later with “Why are you being so distant and not touching me at all today?”. I stayed confused with behaviors like this, only to realize recently that this is an avoidant at their core. Another example would be someone going from being loving to constantly raising their voice at you and speaking to you with a harsh and cutting tone. And even when you ask day in and day out for them to please speak to you nicer, it’s like it just makes it worse. Now a disclaimer, this is not necessarily wrong. This is not me shaming anyone for who they are. I can look back and respect people for where they were and see the reasons why they were so hot and cold (based on their past experiences they would share or dynamics I had noted – I’m very observant. That’s why I can be so quiet sometimes.). This is me coming into my own truth and putting myself first enough to call it out and say hey, the old Amber would have been totally chill with this behavior. In fact, she would have LOVED it because it’s what her nervous system knew best. The calm followed by the rush of anxiety. However, the new Amber can’t accept this type of treatment anymore.
This is that change I was talking about…where your internal shift is so great that you PHYSICALLY can’t ignore it. Where you know implementing it will cause you to lose people left and right, people so close to your heart. It’s truly like having that angel and devil on your shoulder. Where you don’t want to cut anyone loose, but your internal soul has changed and it’s something you would rather do than betray yourself one more time and allow hurtful and confusing behavior like this to carry on. I think this is true change? I could be wrong. I guess to me, this is true change. Where I may actually believe I have some self worth, or at least enough to put my needs and feelings before others. Where I might actually know my heart. Where I might actually know what I bring to the table, and how rare it is.
To jump back to the universe and I’s relationship… this is something that I first went over on one of the pages of How To Meet Yourself. I came to the realization that I tended to help people bring out their avoidant side with me, all because this was the internal world I had thrived in for so long (I use the word thrive very loosely – but I was super comfortable here). I went from writing it out, to hearing about it on every single podcast platform I follow, to even being called by a close friend struggling with humans who were currently treating her this way. Listening to her describe how she was feeling, a light bulb went off. Ah. Universe. Thank you. I see you now. You tried every avenue to get me to listen and you knew a late night phone call, where I was tired and my brain wasn’t as squirrel, would really hit the ball over the fence to get me to realize what lesson I was in the middle of learning…or needing to unlearn I should say. After many talking hours about it in therapy, and honestly a few too many articles later, I have wondered if writing out all this evidence of avoidant human moments in my life and working through them as best as one can actually brought change within myself. Do I respect myself enough to walk away from treatment like this? Am I able to recognize the feelings it brings me (pain, hurt, confusion – to name a few), and have it alert my internal world enough to point it out and ask for change or simply walk away, REGARDLESS of who it might be to me?
This is the part of humaning schooling doesn’t prepare you for. We aren’t taught how to change, even if you’re the best neurosurgeon in the world. This part of being a human is beyond hard. How do we even define change? How do we even make sure we are changing? Does change look different through my eyes versus through your eyes? The most prevalent question I’ve had, why does it have to hurt so bad sometimes? I think I have always thought change will bring such beauty and joy, but right now it’s brought a lot of pain. Mainly because I’ve witnessed the relationships with those I have this pattern with are breaking themselves up. This is the first time I love myself enough to let them. To walk away from the familiar to find something greater, something truly meant for me. Hm. I guess this is true change.